This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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