I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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