roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
