When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
