Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
