I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
