I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
