I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
