dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
