If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
