last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You are the jesus of drinking
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
