im six kinds of drunk right now
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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