I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
