so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
