okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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