i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
