If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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