You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
two words: eviction party
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
