I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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