Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
