I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
