once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How's work?
Spinning.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
