Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
