I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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