you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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