So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
