Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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