i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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