so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
