I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
