Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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