please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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