Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
