Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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