Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
