If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
