I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
