brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
