you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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