I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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