you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
