If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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