I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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