my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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