at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
