Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
