just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
