i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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