Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
