He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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