thus making me awesome and them whores
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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