No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
