My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
